Griefworks BC – Grief and Loss

I really want another baby, but I'm afraid.

One of the first questions couples ask a doctor after their loss is "When can we try again?" Discuss this with your doctor and ask questions until you feel satisfied. You may be told to wait three to six months or to try again as soon as you feel ready. Deciding whether to go ahead may be difficult. You may be anxious and uncertain. The following questions should be considered:

Have we grieved our loss? Do we both agree this is right for us now? Are we able to deal with the uncertainty, the fear?

Here are some suggestions:

Don't go into another pregnancy before you have worked through your grief and loss. Don't expect a new baby to replace the one you lost. That will not happen. Besides, that kind of expectation places an unfair burden on the new baby. He or she will be entirely unique and should be accepted in that light.

Consider the timing. If you conceive three months after the loss of your baby, your next baby's due date will be the anniversary of the death. This is very difficult for some parents.

Find a doctor you feel good about. Some parents want to go back to the doctor who knows what happened. Others want to go to another physician. After you make the choice, talk long and hard to the doctor before you conceive. Explain your needs. You may need extra visits, more testing, and close monitoring for your own peace of mind. Be sure you feel comfortable.

Realize that you may feel detached at first. You may fear getting too involved in the pregnancy because of the threat of grief and loss. Some mothers report difficulty bonding with a new baby because of the anxiety through nine months of waiting. Some parents do not prepare a nursery until they are sure they are bringing home a live baby. But when the signs in the pregnancy are good, you can have confidence. Expect a positive outcome.

Face your fears together. Talk about your fears with your physician and with understanding family and friends. Be honest with yourselves. Enjoy each day as it comes. If another pregnancy is not possible, give yourself permission to grieve this additional loss.

Reprinted with permission from Parents' Grief: Help and Understanding After the Death of a Baby. To order the booklet, call 425-222-0844.