Loss and Bereavement
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Once I Turned Fifty

Once I turned fifty I was ready to be a grandma.
It seemed that I had just enough energy
almost enough wisdom
and plenty of love
that I had been saving up to
give to this new little person.
I always wondered what it would be like?
Would I love her as much as I loved you when
you were first born?
(I think I do)
Would I spend hours holding her like I held you,
gazing into your eyes,
telling you secrets
and dreaming of what our life would be like
together?
(I wish I could)
Would she look like you
or resemble her dad?
(a bit of both of you, I think)
Would she break my heart like you could do?
Yes.
People ask what is the meaning of your arms folded over your chest.
Are you mad?
Are you protecting yourself?
Does your heart hurt?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
And I remember feeling strong and proud and scared when I first held my child,
and thought that I would always protect her.
What can I do now?
All our arms are empty.

J.G.

Reprinted with permission. To order the booklet, A Grandparent's Sorrow, call 503-284-8985